Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
