He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
