i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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