Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sober January is a disaster.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
