When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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