Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just high enough for therapy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
