Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
