She is in my trunk
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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