The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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