Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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