o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
