turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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