Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
