fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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