There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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