somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
