I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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