is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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