I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
