it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
