I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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