Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
