What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
