a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
