my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
