Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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