He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
