The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
50% drunk capacity currently
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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