it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
how drunk are you?
Several
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
