Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
