Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
