if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
