Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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