I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You made out with two different species that night
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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