Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
