i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We were destined to go to rehab together
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
