I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
