My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
