dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
