I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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