Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
