I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
