I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
