Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
