dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
