At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
