I think I won the penis lottery.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
