if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
