I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
