I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
