Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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